anagogicinquest

So discouraged.

2005-03-23T18:30:00.000-08:00

I've been sitting here going over the budget for this pay period. And no matter which way I cut it we are either going to get evicted from our apartment or, go without food. Or I can try to make 11 dollars stretch to feed us for upwards of two weeks since my next paycheck is already spoken for.

As my infected teeth are throbbing away in my head, stomach churning around a handful of Advils I actually want to cry. I haven't cried about any of these stresses at all. I've just dealt with it. And now I want to cry.

I want to sit down and cry like I did as a little kid. Just sob and sob and hiccup until I either pass out or feel better. But I have a sneaking suspicion that crying won't make me feel better. Just make my head hurt and embarass me.

I just don't know what to do. I'm selling off everything and anything I can. And it's still not enough. I can't find a second job, I can't find a higher paying job. I'm really fucking up this being head of household thing.

I can't even wish or hope. All I can do is scheme and try to make sense out of the senseless, and squeeze blood from a stone. Neither of which is going well at all.

I thought I was finished.

2005-03-18T17:10:00.000-08:00

I had given up on this blog. After going back and reading some of the entries I had decided to let it go. I thought it wasn't helping. The truth is I chickened out. I chickened out of writing the truth for myself about myself and I am a little ashamed.

So the update.

Since my last post I have turned 28. Contemplated walking out of my job, had quite a few anxiety attacks, had a panic attack at work (something I have only ever rarely allowed myself to do) came close to a complete melt down, lost ten pounds through stress alone, had my transportation die, almost been evicted from our apartment, stopped taking good care of myself, struggled to eat, had a few errant chest pains, shattered another molar, applied for about fifteen jobs (one interview that went horribly because apparantly anymore one must have a degree to answer phones and take messages..yes I'm bitter), rearranged 4.25 GB of music on my hard drive with another 10-15 or so to go, not been to the doctor yet (still just can't afford it), taken up drinking coffee again (far too much) and rediscovered the kind of self loathing that makes me want to slit my wrists.

That's quite a mouthfull.

I am not dead. So the suicide issue is actually pretty moot. While I might entertain the idea while I'm scraping for rent, food and transport to hell-work I mean to say, I don't consider it all that seriously. It's entertaining for a minute but I'm not there.

My life right now is what a sane person would call stress on fucking wheels. I don't think I've been this consistantly stressed out over not just one thing but my entire life ever. I remember once when I was in my early 20's and working 80-90 hours a week my Mom told me I was going to have a stroke.

I didn't understand then but I understand now.

I am at a point where I am more than dissatisfied with the state of my life. From soup to nuts. Body soul everything. I've done a lot of soul searching and it seems to me that a lot of this is hinging on this:
I have worked too goddamn hard to at age 28 quite literally have nothing to show.

I have no degree.
I don't own any property unless you count stacks of books and an almost outdated computer.
I spend more than half of my income on just living expenses.
My credit is beyond shit.
My health is going downhill at a rate I can't even keep up with.
I work full time, and cannot afford to take care of myself much less another person.

I am supporting not just myself but another person and it is beyond hard. At this rate we are going to end up homeless. In my daily quest to figure all of this out I have decided to use my skills of researching and love of finding obscure everything and am going to try and find myself some kind of grants. Whatever I can get at this point.

As much as I dislike Bush I will get whatever I can because I can't do this alone. I don't have the resources in any way I look at it.

So there it all is. The truth of my life as I know it. It makes me sad to see.

Hurting and tired

2005-01-18T19:45:00.000-08:00

I'm stiff and sore. While I enjoy the slight warming of temprature the rain is just making me hurt. Nothing is comfortable. Sitting standing laying down. It's so exhausting. I slept badly. Have been sleeping badly rather.

Been doing quite a bit of research and I'm not entirely encouraged.

I don't really know what to do. I know I should go to the doctor but I can't really afford the copay.

Blah. How depressing.

What does it say about the state of things when a gainfully employed 'insured' person can't afford healthcare?

So far I've not been able to gather enough energy or wherewithall to really put an effort into some kind of money making on the side. About the most promising was getting trolled to be a 'real life' porn star.

Gods.

Not really what I'd needed to hear. Really.

I wish...

Well as I've heard my father say many times wish in one hand shit in the other see which gets filled up first.

At this point I'd just settle for not being so constantly exhausted. And maybe a day without pain.

Feels like a lot to ask.

I think that's all. This is making me feel weepy and shitty.

Oh for fucks sake

2005-01-12T15:43:00.000-08:00

I really can't hold it in. Feel free not to read this.

Whining. Ok so I'm perusing the forum of another journal provider I use and to what should my wandering eyes should appear but the 'good' news that someone I can't fucking stand has been published yet again.

Now honestly I can say when I find someone elses writing good. I do it all the time. But this persons writing is lame. An opinion shared by many people I've both spoken to and where he's been chased off for being an arrogant asshole.

Can you see my eyes turning green?

I had looked at this publication in the not so distant past, and to this point had put them on the list of possibles but I don't think so now. Maybe this is an error on my part but I have become very careful as to who and where I will submit to whether it's in print or online. Honestly there are SO many ezines etc that just publish shit I dont' want to be lumped in with the bad. Does that make me a snob?

Gods.

Times like this I curse my low output, non-submitting, little published arse.

Ugh.

GAH

And as the title of this entry implies...OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!!

That is really all I can think to say.

I feel a little but still JAYSUS crispy. Ew. I feel like I need a soul/colon cleansing now.

And maybe after I beat the green eyed monster into submission I can get back to the entry I've been working on for 2 days.

And can I just say that that was entirely overly dramatic and I do in fact feel better. More to say but that will take awhile.

New Year

2005-01-03T21:31:00.000-08:00

I am tired. What's new. Vastly unimpressed with my 'work' life. But meh. Yeah. I think I'm getting sick but I'm not sure. I've been terribly lethargic all day. Head half stuffy. Such a wonderful feeling. I was terribly busy earlier. Made the first few hours here at work go by pretty quickly.

I think it's coming to that time that I am in absolute need of a vacation. Burnt crispy. Granted this year I haven't had to work the mad overtime (much as I'd like it sometimes) but, I need a break of more than 1-2 days away from here.

What I'd really love is maybe 2 weeks of nothing. No phone, maybe no email/messengers. Just time to fart around doing not much of anything. Napping, killing shit in one of my more violent games. Drinking tea, reading books. Scribbling here and there. Just a little while of no stress no pressure.

Ahhh...such a dream.

Any other news? Not really. Had a good New Years. Save for the fucked up hangover feeling all day saturday and most of Sunday even though I drank nothing stronger than Shari's coffee.

I think this means I'm getting old.

Or my body is in not as good shape as I have been hoping.

That needs addressing. This winter has been hard. My joints ache pretty constantly. Sometimes I have a hard time walking. i get these sharp back/hip area pains that shoot down either leg and I have to just sort of stand in place until it passes. Strange muscle spasms. The four stairs that lead down to my front door sometimes seem like four hundred. I'm on the 'waiting list' to get in to see my doctor. At this point I might get an appointment sometime before my birthday.

It's a damn shame. Here I have health insurance and yet either when i can get an appointment I can't afford to go or, when i do have the money to go I can't get into the docs. A few months ago I forget now who i was talking to but I made the comment that I was better off when I had no insurance. And I was. That just depresses me it really does.

So I do what I can. I take a shitload of OTC meds that are probably fucking up my liver and kidneys. I use Absobine Jr. (mmmm hot green liquid), delude myself into trying to believe that it's not that there's anything wrong with me per se. But that I'm carrying 10-15 extra pounds and my body is angry.

There are other things that I don't want to talk about because it's embarassing and I'd rather not. Suffice it to say sometimes I very seriously feel like I'm already going through menopause.

I'm tempted to go to Planned parenthood and get at least started on the road to getting my health ducks in a row. When I was younger I rarely used my real name at the clinic. A bad idea on my part. There are chunks of my medical history that are missing because I had no insurance, gave other names. Blah. Damn I could kick myself in the arse for that.

I am more than tired of waking up feeling like crap. Of being in pain. Of feeling like an eighty year old. I just want to feel ok for a little while.

Until I can see my doctor I'll do what I can. I try to walk a little more every day. Take the stairs a few more times. And hope.

I think that's it I'm kind of depressed now. And I believe I'm going to do some research. If I can't get help from my doctor might as well do it for myself.

And I return

2004-12-27T16:55:00.000-08:00

I haven't written here in awhile. Again. Mostly because I've been trying to ignore the things that are hurting me. As usual that only works for so long until I just can't stand myself anymore.

I am reaching a point where I am fairly sure something is going to give and I'm going to crumble. I can feel myself cracking around the edges. I've been withdrawing from people. Insulating myself against them so to speak.

Bah.

I can't do this today.

And then I...

2004-12-06T15:35:00.000-08:00

I haven't felt like writing lately. I've been curled in on myself trying to filter out the outside world. I'm not incredibly fond of the holidays, there have been years and years of catastrophic things happening in and around me during the holidays and although it's been *knock on wood* about four years now I still sit cringing waiting for the other shoe to drop.

In other news I have my finances a bit back in hand. I've started paying off a second debt. I will be very glad when I am more caught up.

On the home front I believe things between us are getting less strained. I know how badly he's feeling about not having a job and how stressed I get trying to keep things in order. Just lately I've been keeping much of that to myself unfortunately. I can't bear to see how badly it hurts him although I know damn well he has a right to know what is going on in my head.

There's an absolute ton of other things going on my head. I've been gathering myself to get my adult not quite porn site idea up and running. I believe it will be quite a niche market and I've been working on writing up plans making a mock up. I've opened myself a Cafe press Store and on my very public blog have lately put an Amazon link on there as well as some other shopping type things.

Now if I could regain some of the confidence I know I used to have. Sometimes I just don't know where it went. I feel so small and ineffectual at every day living it is hard for me to imagine that I used to not feel like this.

I know depression and this isn't it exactly. This is fear no this is terror. Yes I am terrified of failing.

But I perservere.

I'm trying to pull out of the mole hole I seem to have gotten myself into. I'm fighting.

A little defeated

2004-12-01T15:03:00.000-08:00

Truthfully speaking I'm reaching a point where a lot of the 'important' things are becoming far less so. I'm finding it more and more difficult to really care whether or not people like the new look of my department, I don't really care who lost their cell phone, who did this blablabla.

It's hard for me to pay attention to where/when I did/did not put things. Not because of the mysterio health issues but because I find my concerns moving in other directions.

For example I have this checklist thing I'm required to do. Consciously and analytically I understand the importance of the documentation etc etc. But right now I don't actively care. Why? Well mostly because I spend most of my time figuring out how to keep a roof over my head and food in the cupboard. Because I spend hours looking for a part time job. Because I am more concerned with trying to at least have enough money for food and trying to pay bills.

I hate that I feel this way. That all my other concerns leave little room for really caring about work beyond making sure I get a paycheck and/or making sure I don't yet get myself fired or something. Yes I complain about my job but, I CANNOT survive without it.

I get this terrible feeling of guilt because of how sheerly apathetic I've become. I realize that I can only take so much stress and there's been more than enough to go around. Matter of fact in the past two months I can say with honesty I'm very surprised I'm getting any sleep at all, that I'm not sick etc. I still feel like crap though. I'm exhausted as it is and I don't know how I'm going to try and fit in another few hours somewhere.

I feel trapped in my life the way it is. And I don't know what to do. I wish I did

No sleep and shit I can't really control

2004-11-28T11:35:00.000-08:00

I haven't slept in a couple of days. And wrote the following a few hours ago.

i feel guilty right now. i feel guilty constantly. instead of laying in bed giving myself a headache trying to watch the tiny tv i'm writing or wanting to talk to people online or whatever. i feel guilty because i'm sitting here now all i've been able to think about is finishing my book. i feel guilty because i don't always feel like having sex. i feel guilty because i talk about how i am going to fuck around with my finances to pay the bills. i feel guilty that i gt so stressed out and have to say something. i feel guilty because i find that often i'm thinking how i could be doing this badly by myself. i feel guilty because i feel like i have to remember and take care of everything. i feel guilty because i don't have enough money. i feel guilty because i am not taking care of us very well. i feel guilty when i ask for anything. i feel guilty that i have secrets i feel guilty that i am not always in the mood for sex or cuddling. i feel guilty that i get so cranky. i feel guilty that sometmies i'm just too tired and too pained to want to do much of anything. i feel guilty that i want to go out i feel guilty that i get irritated. i feel guilty that i can't always sleep and so he stays up. i feel guilty because i want to lose weight. i feel guilty because i want to start taking pills again. i feel guilty that i get frustrated. i feel guilty that i think bad things sometimes about orur situation. i feel guilty that i am not as strong as i'm pretending to be. i feel guilty because i lost or scratched his cds. i feel guilty because i can't afford to get us better than dial up. i feel guilty because i ask questions that seem to irritate him. i feel guilty. i feel like shit. and i can't tell.

I am so tired. Scrambling to make sure there's enough for rent. I just want a break.

Panic

2004-11-18T18:31:00.000-08:00

I just had to go sit in the bathroom here at work with my head between my knees. I've gotten my budget done up through the middle of December and then realized that I still have a 200$ electric bill to pay. Nor is there money to get the disintegrating muffler on the car fixed. Or get insurance, or tabs for that matter.

I keep telling myself to remember the good news. One debt down. One outstanding utility bill paid. Think I might be able to squeeze to get something to do about the muffler. Then insurance maybe after the first of the year.

But I must say that I really suck at being the bread winner of my little two person family. I am going to have to concentrate on finding us another place to live we just cannot afford where we live now. Maybe since I am getting debts paid off and I haven't been late on rent in quite awhile I will be able to find somewhere that will work with us on a deposit. If we could find somewhere that I can save 200 or so on rent that will be a relief.

Gods.

Today is.

2004-11-17T17:10:00.000-08:00

Today is just that. One day. Just another day. I slept very very little. About 3 hours or so while I was precariously balancing my budget. I have ~had~ rather just enough to cover the second half of one debt, my water bill, 40 for groceries for the two of us, 140 for storage, and enough to get more tobacco.

Getting all of that done was quite a feat but I did it. Finally around 9 this morning I stumbled into bed. Pretended to sleep while I was cuddled. Mind moving million miles an hour. I had one minor panic attack early. Sometime around 8 this morning. While I was trying to decide if I really ~need~ some toiletry items. A list. Pros and cons while I make up my mind.

Creamier facial cleanser for winter. My face is a bit chapped and flaky right now because my heavy duty cleanser is a little too much for the cooler less humid weather. I admit that I am a vain woman. I don't like looking like crap when I don't absolutely have to. I have plenty of cleanser left, but it is making my face flaky. Now I could dab myself with more moisturizer, but I know how little my skin likes that. Or I can bite the bullet until mid-December and just ride it out. Cons: I will be cranky because I look like crap. All the effort I've been putting into taking better care of myself will be comprimised. I know that will aid in me being depressed. Pros: I will save about 10 dollars for the month. And yes it makes a noticable difference. I could put that 10 dollars towards one of my other bills.
I need some well fitting tights. Black knit, non control top thick black winter tights. My old pair has finally given out (RIP). Why I want them. I have some nicer clothes I like to wear ~again part of my look good feel good thing~ long skirts with boots and I need tights to wear them with. And of course the tights that fit well and last are about 15 dollars. Cons: 15 dollars is a lot of money for some damn tights. 15 dollars could keep gas in the tank for a week. Pros: The tights I like last a very long time. They work for many outfits. I won't need to buy another pair for awhile.

Well those are two of the things-

Goddamn it. I interupt this post to say the following. I cannot stand rude people. I do ~not~ work in customer service anymore so that I will even field a call from a customer is rare thing. But there is no need to be fucking rude to me because you fucked up your own account. I am way too tired for that.

Gods.

Ok, I'm taking a deep breath.

Now I lost my train of thought.

In other news I've decided not to give up my domain name. I've spent too much time and effort getting my web design skills and I'm not going to waste them. Instead I think I want to turn it into the ezine I've wanted to for a long time now. Sex, love, art, music, writing. Guest authors and artists, reviews, sex advice. I'm also going to put a cafe press store on it.

I've still got my written plans for it that I made a few years ago. I decided (mid panic attack this morning) fuck my fucking fears sideways. I absolutely refuse to let that hold me back from trying. I am ready to face that fact that I could fall on my face. Ready to face embarassment and I'm going to do it.

I've already started revamping my site. Changing my style sheets around a little. I've got two logos and several banners made. Next comes the recoding, then a call for writers and artists. Note to self I should probably get a gmail account.

It's a half hour after I started this post and I think I need to just post it before I forget.

And thank you Scott for the comment. I really greatly appreciate it.

Moodswings

2004-11-16T17:54:00.000-08:00

Just call me little Miss MoodSwing. I'm not entirely sure what that was all about. Well no I do. I have very fragile self esteem when it comes to things related to business and work. While much of the time I know (at least on the surface) that I am entirely capable and all that, deep down inside I dont' feel it.

I take my failures very very hard. It's something I'm working on. After my little melt down, I sat for awhile, played some mindless game while I calmed down. I have done some more research and I realize where it was I was freaking out. I can do this if I stop with the hating and anger and do what I know how to do.

I am going to put down why I can do this. For my own reference mostly.

I can design a website.
I can design a clean loading easy to navigate website.
I understand banner exchange and how to find free advertising.
There is someone (a few people actually) who would be willing to help out.
I have the time and the know how.

So that leaves me with what? It leaves me with somewhere to start. I am going to write down a plan. What I will accomplish, how to accomplish that. If nothing else I want to do this just to prove to myself that I can. I might not make a mint but if I can make enough money to justify the effort I will be more than happy.

And thanks for the comment Trouble. I appreciate it a lot.

Discouraged

2004-11-15T03:39:00.000-08:00

I feel discouraged.

I realized just now that for all of the stupid ideas I come up with I'm woefully ill equipped to make any of them happen. I'm barely skilled labor. My writing well....my writing has dwindled to hardly anything even though I'm trying to do this ridiculous Nanowrimo thing.

Tonight I became very well reminded of my limitations once more.

In that vein I think I'm going to let my domain name lapse.

I have to face it. I don't have any business sense of any kind. My web design skills are marginal at best. My hey day of publication is vastly over apparantly.

Ok discouraged was the wrong thing to call this entry I'm fucking depressed.

That's just fucking great.

2004-11-12T19:18:00.000-08:00

There are few things that irritate me more than nit picking. I really hate it. It makes me feel like no matter what I do some people just will never be pleased. It's been a crappy week at work.

I've been feeling more and more trapped. Trapped in what is while not exactly a dead end job, but a hard to get ahead in job. Trapped by the fact that I am barely keeping my nose above water and unless I am successful in finding another job to work in addition to this one I'm going to remain this way.

And why is it every so called 'work from home' type thing I find is a fucking scam? All of them. Either you have to give people money to even start, it's some marketing/telemarketing thing etc etc. It's really infuriating. I'm very willing and open to starting my own home business but, goddamn it if I'm desperately seeking extra income what makes people think I have an extra 'only 29.95$ 35.95, 199.99'?

There is good news though. I keep reminding myself of that. As of next week I will have one of 4 debts paid off. That leaves three more. One is large 3k the others are each under 500. That makes it a bit better. I have to keep telling myself I'm doing right. I'm doing it right. It's hard as hell but I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing and it will get better.

And so it begins.

2004-11-10T22:00:00.000-08:00

I have had other blogs. I have one that has become modestly widely read. People who know me read it and through the 3 years I have been journalling online I have never felt free enough to really be honest about what is in my mind.

People think they know me. They don't really. I don't let them. I speak and act like one thing but inside I am entirely different. To tell the truth I am very shy. I am shy to speak my mind on most things, shy to be truly open, too shy to even mention to anyone how locked in my own head I've been feeling. I'm also depressed a little. A natural thing I think. Mainly because I am frustrated and feel like I am spinning my wheels in the mud, digging myself deeper into a rut.

I feel trapped in my life. With no sight or sign of relief or help. I am at a point in my life where I know I need to change and I know I'm making strides in that direction but, the strides feel like baby steps and time is just not moving.

What am I doing to change?

Getting my finances straightened out. My credit is still ugly and will remain so but it is getting better.
Taking better care of myself both physically and emotionally. Hence the new blog, somewhere to be real and honest even when it hurts.
Learning to enjoy my life.
Learning not to be so hard on myself.

And?

I'm not sure. I don't know what else to do and I am not yet able to ask for help. So here I am. Self help at it's....not finest but it's there.

Here's to a new beginning.